Aug. 27, 2017 EVERY DAY A GIFT

Help me remember each day is a gift from You.  The days are numbered.  If I only had one month what would I do?  I don’t know – maybe prepare myself to meet You and know more about my new home.  The reality is something I don’t want to think about, but we all face a day of closure, some suddenly and some with sickness.

I pray for wings of protection for my child and grandchildren and for my husband’s children and all the loved ones.

Help me to be Mary.

I needed this today. If I had one month, I don’t know what I would do. Would I feel too anxious to enjoy it? Would I have Peace knowing my home is not on earth. I struggle with worry, planning, scheduling ahead of time. Can I just rest in the moment? Emily June calls me a “Martha.” I am. I hate that. I want to be Mary… (with a little Martha!) I miss out on the moments of Joy because I am “busy” worrying about silly things. I feel a weight at home. Four personalities that are all different, instead of embracing I find myself dreading the next confrontation, argument. Maybe it is only child syndrome. I struggle with communication with my husband, because it usually comes out wrong.  My heart is usually in the right spot, yet my words don’t always reflect that.   Then when I do it is almost like a tea pot, I can explode… usually at the kids. Then we talk about it, I apologize and things go on. Why do I have to get to this point? Can I not see everyday is a gift?

Our days are numbered, what is my footprint on this earth? How do I teach my kids the only thing that matters is knowing who they are in Christ, when I am Martha? Where is my Grace, Love, Joy, Kindness?  

This week is a week of being home, still, calm. A forced family time by the country. Yet, I worry about finances, the economy, lost investments, and being still. Not what God has intended for a mother’s heart. Maybe this is His way of slowing me down, reminding me I am not in control. HE is. HE is our provider, protector, council. Lord, please let this be my hearts desire this week. I pray for time to sit, be still, enjoy the kids, and be reminded You are in control.

I want to be Mary.  

 

July 24, 2017           A NEW SONG

Going home is such a blessing for those with pain and long-term healing. God You know what is best.  Father God, let me realize that I don’t understand things in life like business reasons, health issues. God, I rest in the knowing You have the best answers and I pray to desire to be quiet and wait. Sometimes waiting on the Lord and the Holy Spirit for answers is hard, but oh so necessary.

Thank You for another perfect day yesterday.  I loved the sermon, golf, and friends.

How true about waiting on Your answers Father.  Waiting is necessary for You to start a new song in my life.  I must     

1. Stop fretting

2. Do good things now

3. Refuse to manipulate

4. Reject anger

5. Seek the Lord

May my life song be used in generations to come.  Sometimes it is good to be still and listen to You, Father God.  Please, Father, let me obey you.  Let me cause my will and desires to look for what You want me to be.  Let nothing be more important than seeking You with the moments of my life. 

I am a worrier. My mom said I would worry enough for her and myself. I have improved over the years, but I still feel and worry more than I care too at times. One of the blessings my mom gave me is she did not worry about dying. She never questioned God, she was not angry, she truly believed when He was ready for her she was going Home. I do not have that level of faith. I worried for her, I worried about my kids, my life, what life would look like without her. I was angry at times. I was frustrated and questioned.

The last week she was alive was rough. On Friday we went in for a routine fluid draw off her stomach… (this has been done numerous times in the past.) I asked to go back with her, the nurse said no problem. I sat in a cracked, dirty, nasty chair. I commented on how nice the building was, yet this room looked unsanitary (A lot different than MDA). The PA was late. He ran in, did a quick check on the sonogram machine to see where to put the needles, then stuck it in a couple times and re-positioned. He left, as if in a hurry, and let the nurse and her “trainee” finish the fluid draw. I remember leaving with a weird feeling… Mom, said, “It will be fine.” Mom had a great weekend, she ate, visited with friends and was doing well. Monday night, she went into intense pain. They called the ambulance and when I arrived in the ER, I could hear her in the last room in pain. It was awful. The ER doctor said she has punctured something and wanted to know if it was the cancer or something else. After scans it turned out she was septic. Her large intestine was punctured and there was nothing we could do…most likely from the withdraw Friday. He basically said, “You might have 5-7 days.”

D.A.Y.S. This was a gut punch like none other. Yet, she never waivered. She said, “Well, get my sister on the phone and lets pray me to heaven.” The pain was intense, she was ready. So we did. We called Aunt Judy, put her on speaker and prayed. My Aunt lives in Shreveport and wanted her to wait until she got there before they put her in a medical coma. For the next 12-15 hours we waited, she was on pain drugs most of the time, but I remember feeling every emotion possible. I was mad at the PA who did this, I was mad that God was putting her though so much pain, I was mad she was leaving me.

She met her heavenly Father a few days later. For some reason I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I pray for courage and faith like my Mom. I pray I live life to the fullest each day (or try) and not fear what is inevitable. What a blessing to know she knew where she was going. She was not scared. That is the best gift she could of every given me. I pray for a new song.

July 19, 2017   MY FUNERAL SERMON

I Chronicles 28 -29 speaks of David’s kingdom passing on to Solomon.  The commentary said. “The sermon everyone important to you will hear is the one at your funeral.”  I never thought about it but it is true.  What would I want said at my funeral?

#1 – I am home with You God.  I believe You has my life in Your hands from birth to death. 

#2 – In times of trouble (the Goliath moments) one must believe that You God are in control.

#3 – You God are a good and kind God.  You are full of many moments of forgiveness for our sins.

#4 – Happiness and peace rest in our closeness to You God.  Our material things, our earthly problems are Yours to handle.

#5 ­– There will be times in life of trouble and heartaches, but all will pass.  The time will pass and we can look back and see it was all in Your hands to grow us and grow our dependence on You God. You give us a free will – we just need to stay close to the vine. 

#6 – You, God, love for generations.  It is our duty to teach our children the laws and the salvation plan of Jesus Christ.

#7 – Never strike back in anger, wait. Taking time to stop and reflect on the situation will always be wise.  Wisdom comes in asking God for guidance.

Mom, I know God looked at you and said, “Well done.”  Your funeral actually left me feeling guilty. How do I love and encourage as you did?  

This week marked the one-year mark.  I have said this before, time does not heal.  It has been a year of me trying to navigate through life without my biggest supporter and best friend.  I know God has filled me with His strength and blessing of being able to constantly hear your voice.  I am forever grateful for the wisdom.  I miss you more in my kids lives than mine. I feel like they were robbed of their Meema.  You were such a positive influence, you supported me as a parent, you took them one and one and encouraged them, loved them unconditionally, and taught them how to be honest in this world.  You don’t realize all of these things until they are gone.  I can’t question God, I know he has His plan. But sometimes wonder, “Why her. Why now.”  

We are all going to die. Harsh reality. No one lives forever. Take the time to invest in those who around you. Filter out the toxic/negative, and live each day to the fullest.  I hope when I meet God, he has the same words for me. “Well Done.”

Thank you Lord for choose me to be her daughter.  

August 6, 2017       YOUR WORD

Thank you for the reading of Your word.  May each word bring knowledge of Your desire for my heart.  May it also be a word of wisdom on how to handle certain problems.  I love the grandkids.  May they have a good day. Thank You they are in church.

Church. A place we all gather and worship. A safe place to feel welcome and loved. Growing up there I remember being terrified of the church. I am thankful today of a place to gather, worship and love on the other broken people around me.

Lavon Drive Baptist Church

I grew up Baptist. It is a generational thing. Your parents were Baptist, you were Baptist no questions asked. The first church I remember was Lavon Drive Baptist. I was terrified of this church. My mom would take me every Sunday, and every Sunday I would drag my feet and do everything I could to be late. Being late was not an option, so she wrangled me in the car and off we went.

Sunday School was walking into a lion’s den. The church had a school attached so most of the kids were friends from school, and not very welcoming. I was shy as it was, so the least amount of attention was better. There were sword drills. These were not voluntary. You hold your Bible over your head and the Sunday School teacher would shout out a verse. The first one to find it wins. The school kids ALWAYS won. I remember going home and trying to make tabs in my Bible so I would have a fighting chance… because looking in the Table of Contents was not an option.  There were random questions thrown out and you were called on. One time I remember a question about, “Who was one of “Jesus Disciples?” Simple enough. I was so terrified; everyone was looking at me and I quietly said…  “Jesus.” I mean the answer is always “Jesus. Right?” They laughed. I was mortified.  I was saved at this church mainly because the thought of burning in hell did not seem like fun option. I am pretty sure they put extra pressure on us that day to make the numbers sound good at the end of the service.

The service was in a large, theater style auditorium. Everyone always sat in the same spot. The pastor would get up and ask if anyone was visiting and you stood up and introduced them. When my Grandmother came with us, my mom would always stand up and say, “This is my Mother Lorene Case, she is visiting us from her sister church Haughton Baptist.” At the time, I do not remember my Grandmother going to church, so mom just said my Aunt’s church to be safe.  Can you imagine if you just said you did not belong to a church?!” Blasphemy.  On Mother’s Day you always had a corsage and a specific color if your mother was alive or passed. Dress code was always below the knee, with hose and closed toe shoes.

The last time I remember going to this church was on Easter. We had to sit in the balcony because our normal spot was taken. There was a young mom who came in with two kids. She looked frazzled, but you can tell it was Easter and she wanted to go to church.  I was around 8, her kids were probable around 2 and 4. They did not know the “rules” of church. If you moved, you got pinched. There was an unspoken fear of moving in church or causing any distractions. Her kids were moving, I remember one shouting out a cry. I froze. My mom froze. We looked at each other like, “What do we do?” I could tell in my Mom’s eyes she wanted to get up and help this lady. Before we knew it; the pastor had stopped the sermon, looked up at her pointed and said, “Can someone go take those kids out of here?”  We never went back. The car ride was quiet on the way home.  I pray that young Mom found someone who showed her the love of Jesus, because we all failed that day.

I recently saw a post on social media about this same subject. Thirty-five years later and the mentality is still the same in some churches. It said, “how incredibly inconsiderate, rude and terrible (it as in all caps) that a parent would let a child be a distraction in the church Christmas musical. They had nurseries for a reason.”  My immediate thought was anger. I thought of this young lady in that Easter service years ago. No one stood up for her and here someone else was bashing her behind a computer screen. Why did he or anyone else not get up and offer to help? Maybe because we have forgotten what church is all about. Church is not about the musical productions, choir, how big the auditorium is- but about the love of Jesus. Broken people gathering.  

Just like anything else, there is not a perfect church. I laugh if Jesus would have walked in Lavon Drive they would of asked him to leave with his long hair.  I was fortunate to find a youth minister who loved people like Jesus did. Let us not miss the opportunity get up and help that young mom, we do not know what is going on in the lives of people… but we know Jesus would of gotten up, taken her by the hand and calmed her babies down.   Jesus does not care about how great the choir is, how big the auditorium is, or how nice your clothes are. He just wants you to know how much He loves you. When you know that, your heart changes.

Mark 10:13-16 “And they were brining children to him that he might tough them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, ” Let the children come to me, do not hinder them, for to such belongs to the kingdom of God. Truly I say to you, whoever doe snot receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. And he took them in HIS arms and blames them, laying hands on them. ”

September 4, 2017            UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Today is Labor Day 2017.  Last year I did not think I would be around.  I feel so very very blessed.  Thank You, Father, for the gift of life and time. 

God, please be with the broken hearted.  I pray for Your special touch today with those who have medical needs, those feeling hopeless. May today be a good day to witness and be Your child.  Let us love unconditionally as You love us.

My husband asked me one time why was my mom so nice? Why did she support him and want the best for him (and us), after all we were adults?!  I looked at him and said, “Because she loves us, unconditionally.” She always wanted the best for people, students she trained, co-workers, friends, grand-kids, anyone she can in contact with. Within the first year of marriage we were pregnant, and life was full of change, and honestly not very easy.  We decided I would stay home with our son and Zach would be the sole provider. He was at working at a bank and really wanted a change. He tried a couple different avenues for ways to make a change and when they hit a dead end he was frustrated.  All you had to say to my mom was, “Peg, do you think you could teach me how to be a Landman?” And her face lit up. She loved her job, she loved the industry, people and challenges. She was ecstatic someone else in the family wanted to be a Landman. She took us under her wing for a year. She gave us a salary to train, so Zach could focus on everything he needed to learn, without the stress and fear of making the house payment. His job was to listen, learn with a lot of homework from her.  I think this was such a gift to my husband, he learned from the best and he saw her unconditional love at the same time. There was never a time in my life when I did not feel the love of my mom. I remembering having a hard time understanding God’s love for me. Then I realized if he loved me ½ as much as my mom, I was in good shape! It was a silly way for me to really wrap my arms around someone loving you though all the good and all the bad…never wavering.

July 17, 2017    TIME ON THE PORCH  

Oh, Father God, how blessed I am that You continue to allow me to travel just to enjoy life.  All the travel does distract me from this precious time on the porch.  How peaceful it is to read Your word and talk with You.  God, everyone can be a support and encouragement to the life of another person.   You are to be praised and worshiped as You are our life.  Thank You for this day.  May I honor you in a worthy way.

My mom loved to travel. She was the most fun to travel with because she made the best out of everything. Even when things did not go as planned, she just somehow made it work.. this is the key to a great travel partner.

When I read this “travel” flooded my memories of growing up. This Christmas my Aunt told me about one of her favorite gifts from my mom… the gift of memories. She wrote down some of their favorite times together growing up on the farm. I thought I should do the same for my kids. This is the story of the 1974 Pontiac Catalina.

There was one thing about my Mom… she did not care what she drove. Cars were not a big thing to her, so when she inherited a car from my great Aunt Nola, she immediately thought, “Awesome.” Me, not so much. It was the mid-80s. My hair was high, flammable and smelled like Rave because it was cheap and a worked like plaster.  I spent so much time on the perfect bangs that my hair started falling out. I remember the wind blowing and my bangs acting as a ball going side to side, this is why the Rave worked so well… they never separated.  I wanted to be cool, so I had homemade “units” and “jams” because we would never spend that kind of money on clothes. Summer time would come and my Grandmother would take me to Walmart to pick out patterns and fabric and I was very careful to choose the most fashionable print… usually involved a splatter paint or neon. My big Christmas present that year was a pair of real Guess jeans.   They were the light and acid washed. I was on the verge of cool.  Then this happened. We drove to Fayetteville, Arkansas to pick it up. I vividly remember that day, we turned the corner at the Piggly Wiggly, headed up the hill, rounded the corner and there it was… The biggest car I have ever seen. My heart sank. It was my worst nightmare… a 1974 Pontiac Catalina and it was yellow.  The memories only get better.

That car had amazing vinyl seats. You could turn a corner and they were so slippery you could slide from one side to the other. My best friend, Emily, and I played many games of “corners” where we would smash each other in the doors as you took a corner, unbuckled of course. I was mortified to be seen in this car; I would duck anytime I saw someone. Emily was just like my mom, and nothing phased her.  My Mom’s best friend, Eileen Elias, happened to be my best friend’s mom, and made for a perfect childhood. I had two moms.  As kids we never understood why they wanted to go on walks all the time, hide in the kitchen to drink pink wine and smoke cigarettes.  I get it now! Mrs. Elias was a single mom of three on a school teacher salary and my mom was contract so there was no money for extras.  Our vacations were always together.  For Spring Break, they decided we were headed to the lake in Arkansas. We would stay at my grandmother’s house and all they and to do was split gas. I remember a cooler packed with some sort of bologna and cheese sandwiches, chips, animal crackers, and knock off cokes. We headed out from Plano to Arkansas with seven people in the Catalina. Mom drove, Allison (Emily and Chad’s older sister) got the middle, Mrs. Elias in the passenger seat. The back seat was Emily and me, a big imaginary dividing line, her brother Chad and his friend.  We drove 12 hours in this car with 7 people. I have no idea how Mom and Eileen tuned out everyone, but they never seemed to be agitated or yelled at us in the backseat. All I remember in the back seat was constant fighting over “sides” and animal crackers.   The seats were so slippery it was hard to keep traction when you were throwing elbows protecting your side.  I still have no idea how they packed a cooler of food in the back, clothes, and seven people in a car.  The car broke down once we got to my grandmothers and we had to wait days for a part so we could get back home.  I was secretly hoping they would never get it started and that car would stay in Arkansas.  

Looking back this car was a great. I am not proud of my behavior as a bratty kid, but I see what really matters. This old car had so many great memories. At the time I did not appreciate it. I see now why mom drove this car; she was saving up for me to go to college and enjoy a pair or acid washed jeans at Christmas.  She never apologized for embarrassing me in this car (and she loved too.) She just said, “One day you will understand.”  I see the unconditional love you have for your children is bigger than a 1974 Pontiac Catalina.

My childhood was simple. Vacations were simple. Friendships were real. Life was hard, but we did not know any different. Work was not an option. Two Best Friends did everything to help raise each other’s kids and loved them like their own.  What I would give to have one more glass of wine with my two moms and drive that old yellow car!